Salutation Snafu: How to Address Your Parents
A basic concept in kibbud av v’em (honoring a father and mother) is to refrain from addressing parents by their given names—or even alluding to them by their given names. What about in writing? Does the concept of ksivah k’dibbur (writing is equivalent to speech) apply to this area?
The Maharshal’s ruling is that we may not write a parent’s name without qualification. He quotes the Tur, who cites his father in his writings as follows: Adoni Avi HaRosh z”l. Beginning with two forms of honorific, “my master, my father,” the Tur then uses the acronym “HaRosh” (his father’s name was Rabbeinu Asher)—which in itself can be viewed as a way of showing honor, since it means “the head.” Only when accompanied by a chashuve (respectable) title, concludes the Maharshal, is it muttar (permissible) to use a parent’s given name.
A later authority, the Chida, disagrees with the Maharshal, stating that many great mechabrim (halachic authors) used their father’s name in their writing without qualification: Rashi went by the name Rav Shlomo Yitzchaki, and so did the Rambam refer to himself: Moshe ben Maimon HaSepharadi.
However, many poskim reject this reasoning; using a patronymic or another parental reference such as ”the son (or daughter) of” is a way of identifying a person, and is not in any way addressing the parent themselves. This is similar to a person being called for an aliyah (“going up” to the Torah reading)—there is no halachic issue with verbalizing his father’s name so he can be properly addressed by the gabbai (shul officer).
The halachic consensus is that filling out documents that require parental information is permissible, similar to a patronymic. Completing paperwork on behalf of a parent that requires writing their name is also acceptable, since helping them thus is a way of honoring them. The same applies to writing a check to their name.
When otherwise referencing a parent in writing (for example, addressing an envelope with their name), honorary titles should be included. Some poskim state that writing Abba/avi (Father or my father) is sufficient, while others maintain that an additional chashuve designation is required.
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