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Can I sneak out after the chuppah?

The Gemara uses harsh words to describe someone who is asked to join a seudas mitzvah (a meal celebrating a mitzvah) but refuses to participate. The Rema likewise cautions not to refrain from participating in the seudah held after a bris. The guest should not decline the invitation even in cases where the host would graciously accept his refusal.

Many people who receive invitations to a simchah (a happy occasion such as a wedding), which is a seudas mitzvah make their decision whether or not to attend based on social obligation or convention, without regard to the above halachah.

This proviso applies only to a bris, some might qualify, based on a reading of the Rema. The implication of the Gemara, though, that this is not the case; it applies to any seudas mitzvah. A chasunah (wedding), for example, would almost always also be considered a seudas mitzvah.

The Gemara refers only to those who attend the simchah, but eschew the seudas mitzvah. This justification follows a minority opinion, which points out that the Gemara and the Rema admonish us not to abstain from eating at the seudas mitzvah and do not address any other aspects of invitation or participation. While this is true, the custom to avoid inviting people to a bris directly, accepted by acharonim (latter-day halachic authorities), is based on this Gemara.

An invitation received via mail or email is not a real request for attendance. Invitation cards are sent en masse to more people than the baalei simchah (the celebrating hosts) can afford to host, even to friends overseas—in which case there is certainly no expectation that they all participate. Indeed, the nature of today’s RSVP system bears little resemblance to the “on the spot” scenario in the Gemara quoted above. Many poskim agree that baalei simchah extend numerous invitations—written and even verbal—as an expression of honor or social custom, not necessarily in anticipation of every person attending the simchah.

I’m not comfortable with the social atmosphere at this affair, is another valid objection, based on the psak of many halachic authorities, who maintain that we are not obliged to attend an event that is frequented by anashim she’einam mehuganim (people who lack in Torah values)—a rejoinder that is, unfortunately, far too common in the modern age.

The warning of the Gemara applies to people who feel it’s beneath their dignity to attend, might be the viable response of someone who has justifiable reason or a scheduling conflict. These arguments are further legitimized by the fact that, even absent our participation, the simchah will include its requisite minyan (halachic quorum).

What about my shiur?! Choosing to avoid bittul Torah (squandering time that would otherwise be spent studying Torah) over joining a well-attended simchah is also a legitimate stance.

What’s the bottom line: We should endeavor to participate in a seudas mitzvah when invited, and not abstain from eating at the seudah, unless there are anashim she’einam mehuganim present, kashrus or health concerns. We are permitted to politely refuse an invitation received by mail (with no expectation of attendance) when conflated by a scheduling conflict or, especially, bittul Torah. However, if it is obvious that the host expects the invitee, every effort should be made to attend—even if only to with the baalei simchah mazal tov and partake, if only dessert.