Must I listen to every demand my parents make of me?

Do my parents have the power to make me do whatever they want?

The mitzvah of kibud av v’eim (honoring one’s father and mother) is the obligation to tend to one’s parents’ needs and to interact respectfully with them. But what if parents request something of their children that is not an immediate need, nor is it to their benefit? What if they don’t want their child to daven a particular nusach (text for davening used by a particular community) or disapprove of their son going to the mikvah? Can they forbid their child to eat certain foods or demand that the child wear a sweater even when the child feels hot?

There are poskim who maintain that the mitzvah applies only to things that are of direct benefit to one’s parents, and one would accordingly be free to disobey extraneous orders. In practice, there are many variables that need to be taken into account: are the parents attempting to influence their child to do mitzvos in a certain manner? Are they demanding something which will cause their children suffering or threatens their shalom bayis? Is the child disobeying them in their presence, or out of eyeshot? Is the disobedience causing the parents anguish? Is the child a minor who is living at home and/or being supported by their parents? 

In view of the many factors involved, a rav should be consulted in instances where parents might be overstepping their bounds, and he should attempt to offer a halachic resolution while ensuring that the relationship remains amicable. Of course, it’s best for both parties to endeavor to steer clear of confrontation in the first place, since children must also avoid violating the mitzvah of mora av v’eim (awe of father and mother). Parents, on the hand, should be conscious of the fact that they could be transgressing lifnei iver (creating a situation that will cause their child to stumble) if they make demands on their children that they know they’re unlikely to obey. Ultimately, an understanding should be reached between parent and child that lays the groundwork for a good relationship and avoids conflict. #529?1

 

https://halacha2go.com?number=529

Practical Halacha: One minute a day. By Horav Yosef Yeshaya Braun, shlita, Mara D'asra and member of the Badatz of Crown Heights.